Life After Love

Jordon, the love of my life, died tragically January 23, 2005. This is my space to remember him and to keep track of my life as I learn to move forward without him.

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Location: Wisconsin, United States

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Two months ago...

Today is not a day I've been looking forward to. It's two months since he died and also the 24th birthday he never made it to. I watched the Josh Groban concert DVD before going to bed and ended up sobbing again. I haven't cried like that since I watched Latter Days the first time. I held Cody tighter than normal, wishing beyond anything that it could have been Jordon in my arms. I still miss him incredibly!

The last week isn't all that much to write about. Last Wednesday and Thursday nights for karaoke sucked. I shouldn't have even gone out for those. Saturday was better. I met Bill from Chicago for coffee before going out. He's a really nice guy and I'm glad we met. I then met up with Brad and Jason at The Room. We then went to Woody's to see Bill bartending. I got my drinks free (woohoo). Then we ended up at Cage dancing the rest of the night away. Sunday's regular trip to Three was great as always. I talked to John a lot and can definitely see a good friendship forming. He's a great guy! Monday was a shopping day with Brad. Yesterday i spent job hunting and actually got a call back from a company here for a job as relocation specialist. I think at this point any job that pays enough I need to accept, whether here or in the Twin Cities.

Which now brings me to today. I think I'm going to go buy a new laptop today. I found a Toshiba for a great price. I'll probably try to have lunch with Brad, and then I'll be having dinner with Jason while we watch the start of QAF season 2. I guess I'm still trying to keep myself busy to avoid wallowing in the misery of Jordon's death. I still have a lot of things that remind me of him that I deal with all the time. I know I have to work through it all, but I also don't want to forget him and the great times we had with each other. He still has my heart and will always have a part of it.

I love you Jordon and Happy Birthday!!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

March 16, 2005

Why does each week have to be so crazy these days? I almost feel like I haven't had a chance to think at all. I can only hope that things begin to make some sense pretty soon.

Wednesday, I went to Steve's movie party. I got to his condo first and he gave me a little tour of the place. It was really cute and well decorated. Joseph (previously referred to as Joe) showed up a couple minutes later and then Anthony after that. We sat and talked over drinks and appetizers. It was nice to have a social situation not at a bar. Once we were ready to start the movie (Girls Will Be Girls), Steve put in a couple pizzas. They were a little overdone, but at least not burnt. The movie was hilarious, and it was fun seeing Joseph's and Anthony's reactions as they hadn't seen it before. Before the movie ended, Mike showed up. We stayed there talking some more after the movie. Steve tried to get more physical with me, but I quickly put him in his place. He's a nice guy, but I have no interest in dating or having sex with him. We ended up talking about showtunes and finally put in Chicago on DVD. When that movie ended, I called it a night, as it was already after 2 am.

Thursday, I went out to karaoke night with Brad. He's been interested in the bartender there at Switch. Things didn't go that great as far as he was concerned, but we ran into a fun guy named Randy who was up from Racine. We sat at the bar singing along with all the tunes and just had a fun night. Brad got a little drunk at Switch, so we went to Triangle for a little bit for him to sober up and for me to say hi to Glen.

Friday, I went with Steve and Anthony to a cabaret show called Lana Mae's Honky-Tonk Laundromat. It was a really funny show based on 2 ladies who've been done wrong by their men and they hold a show at the laundromat to get their revenge. It had a bunch of country songs in it and both of the ladies sang incredibly well. One had even been in several big shows on Broadway. I got to meet them after the show too. Once that was done, Anthony went with his friends to At Random for ice cream drinks and Steve and I went to The Room. I sat and sipped on some wine while we talked. Brad and Randy both happened to show up later at different points to join me. I talked to Randy a little about Jordon, and when I mentioned that he died from getting hit by a semi, he started crying. He told me his mother died from a semi accident. We both decided to move the conversation elsewhere for a while to keep our composure. Before the night ended, we headed over to Cage and got in a little dancing. We were all hungry by bar time, so we went to George Webb's for some food. While we were there, I found out Randy was 3 months older than me. That was a bit surprising, but he had a hat on and didn't look that old at all unless he took it off. We all swapped numbers before we went our separate ways. Brad came over to my house to crash the night as his mom kinda heard him getting some action with a boy earlier that night and he didn't want to deal with that drama.

Saturday, I went to Jason's in the afternoon to catch the last 3 episodes of QAF season 1. After watching those, we grabbed a quick bite and headed downtown to the symphony to see Bugs Bunny On Broadway. It was so fun, watching great cartoons and getting a live soundtrack played along with it. After the show, Jason and I went to ETC to wait for Matt to show up. Once he arrived, we all went upstairs to Cage to dance the night away. Jason and Matt did their own thing while I kinda noticed a really cute guy who danced really well. We ended up dancing for about 2 hours without saying a word to each other. He was a really great dancer and I was able to match up well with him. We ended up doing some dirty dancing and there were many eyes watching us. One cute blond guy came up and said it was really hot and he thought I'd be going home with the other dancer. I told him I wouldn't be because I'm not that type of guy. When the lights finally came up at the end of the night, we finally introduced ourselves. Corey (sp?) was the other dancer and he lives only a couple miles south of me. He works at a Starbucks, but I'm not sure which one. I was kinda dumb though, and didn't exchange phone numbers. He said he doesn't go out to bars much so I'm not sure if/when I'll see him again. Oh well. As I told the blond guy, I went home alone.

Sunday, I went out with some straight friends for lunch and to see the movie Robots. We all like computer animation a lot, so we all were looking forward to it. It was a fun time. I love hanging out with Geoff and Rachel. We get along so well. Brad came over to my house for dinner and after a quick stop at his place, we headed down to Three for our new Sunday night hangout. They had a guest DJ in for the night and while everyone got charged cover, the door guy let us in free. It was another great Sunday, full of conversation and meeting people. Brad found thes 4 straight people that happened to come in and started talking with them. One of the girls was so fascinated to be in a gay bar. Unfortunately the guy she came with, while very cute, was visibly uncomfortable being there. I got to talk with John, the host on Sunday nights, and we hit it off pretty well. I made it aware that I knew he had a bf and was only interested in friendship. I think that helped things out there. All in all, another successful Sunday at Three.

Monday, I had a phone interview with Wells Fargo Mortgage in Minneapolis. It seemed to go well and they will be forwarding my resume to the hiring managers now. Hopefully I will hear back from them soon for a face-to-face interview. I spent the rest of the day with Brad. We ended up having dinner downtown at a place called Sauce that neither of us had tried before. It was some of the most incredible food I've had in my life. There was so much flavor in those dishes. And because we had a little bit of a wait for our entrees (due to a large party already there), we got a free appetizer, which was normally 11 bucks! The restaurant's atmosphere was very chic yet laid back. It was a great dinner. We went out to a new coffee place downtown called Mocha to chat some more. After spending some time there, we rented a couple movies and went to my place to watch them. We got through A Touch Of Pink, an interesting movie about coming out in a traditional Middle Eastern family, where the main character talks with the spirit of Cary Grant. I have no clue where people come up with movie ideas like this. We didn't watch the other movie as we were too tired and Brad spent another night at my place.

Tuesday, we went to lunch at Cheesecake Factory because John (the host from Three) started working there as a server. We got seated in his section and ordered a nice lunch. We got to talk with him a few times during the meal which was really nice. Unfortunately, I had a reaction to something in my smoothie (mango, perhaps) and my skin got all red and itchy for about an hour. Luckily I didn't have to go to the hospital or anything. John ended up giving me his phone and email before we left, so hopefully I can get a chance to hang out with him outside of places he works. After lunch, Brad and I went looking at some computers to price out laptops. I hope to have one very soon. I think Brad is surprised I have the money for one. He has no idea I have a couple grand in the bank now. I bought the Incredibles DVD and the Troy soundtrack (which has the song Remember Me by Josh Groban... The lyrics sound like words directly from Jordon's mouth and I cry whenever I hear it). We ended up having dinner at his place and watching Fiddler On The Roof on TCM. He was online chatting through most of it and ended up talking with some guy from Delavan. I came home and chatted a bit myself, mostly because the guys I normally chat with at nights haven't seen me online in about 2 weeks. It was good to talk with them again. I talked some more with Bill, a guy in Chicago who used to live in Milwaukee and is a certified trainer/nutrionist. He's gonna help me figure out a workout plan for me. He's also coming up Milwaukee on Saturday and wants to hang out, so we swapped cell numbers. He seems like a cool guy, so we'll see how it ends up.

Today, I slept in quite late, getting out of bed after 11. I went to Target with mom and then ended up at Olive Garden with her and Brad for lunch. After a quick stop for a car wash and some groceries, I'm back home typing my life story here. I wonder how much this is actually helping me, but it's good to have a bit of history I can look back on. Some days I can't remember what I did the day before. Other days, I could care less. I know next week would have been Jordon's 24th birthday and the 2 month anniversary of his death. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. Only time will tell.

Bye for now!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

March 9, 2005

Yet another week where my social life has exploded upon me. I need to slow this all down before my life is completely out of control.

Thursday, I went out to Triangle to see Glen. I went with my best friend, Brad, and we ended up getting invited to join a group of guys. Ricky (25 and russian) invited us over. There we met his friends Mark (30), Steve (46), Hector (28), Mike (28) and Anthony AKA "Lady No-no" (in full drag). They were a fun group to talk with. It made the evening much more enjoyable. I didn't get much of any time to talk with Glen.

Friday night, I spent the evening with Jason and met his new boyfriend, Matt. They are both really nice guys and I hope them all the best. We went out for dinner at Brew City BBQ up in Mequon. Our waiter was extremely hot and I ended up giving him my number when I paid the bill. I probably won' hear from him, but it was fun trying. There was some sad time during the meal when I told Matt a bit about Jordon. I didn't want to go into too much detail and start crying in the restaurant. We later went out for drinks at The Room, Fluid and Triangle. They finally went home to get some action, leaving me to talk with Glen.

Saturday, I went to the auto show with my dad. He can be so annoying, especially when it comes to talking about cars and trucks. He thinks he knows everything, but I can see him just reading the stuff printed up next to the cars. I really liked the King Ranch Ford F-150. I also sat in an Escalade EXT and sat there thinking what it would have been like to be in Jordon's Escalade. It brought back some good memories and was surprised I didn't cry. The rest of the day I spent with Jason and Matt watching some more QAF (almost done with season 1) and Latter Days. I really started crying at the end of Latter Days. That movie hits so many bottons in relation to Jordon. The last hug in the movie is always the moment when I just can't hold back the flood anymore. I always see it as the hug Jordon and I never got to have. Once I calmed down a bit, I called it a night and went home.

Sunday wasn't all that great until that night. Brad took me out to a newer bar downtown that has gay nights on Sundays. It was small, but had great music and loads of fun trendy people. I knew half the bar staff already and ended up not paying for over half the drinks I had. The bartenders John and Joe are both really cute. I gave John my number before I left and I am supposed to see Joe Wednesday night when Steve hosts a little movie party at his place. It was definitely one of the best bar experiences I've had in Milwaukee. I'm sure I'll be there next Sunday for more fun. When I got home from the bar, I called Teddy in Minneapolis. We ended up talking until 6 am!! To top it all off, I only got about 3 hours sleep after that. He seems like a nice guy, but the long calls have to stop.

Monday, I went shopping with Brad and actually found some t-shirts from A&F and AE. For once, Brad didn't find something to buy himself. We went out to Taylor's that night for Blue Monday. We ran into a guy Brad has been going after and it happened to be his 22nd bday. We ended up spending the rest of the evening with him and his friends, leaving Taylor's and heading to the crappy hole in the wall bar across the street called This Is It. We had fun and Brad made more of a connection with the guy. I was a bit moody by the time we went home. Not sure why.

Tuesday, I'm taking a day off from the bars finally! After spending most of the day at home, I had dinner with Brad and we had a good talk about how things were going between us. I ended up crying at one point cuz I was getting so frustrated with my life and just felt like running away from everything.

Today has been laundry day. Met up with Brd for a bit of lunch and then tonight I'm going to Steve's for movie night. Hopefully Joe will be there and I can get to know him better. He's really cute and seems like a nice guy.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

March 2, 2005

This week has been interesting! I went out to a drag show last Thursday and ended up getting hit on by one of the queens. I had to let "her" down easy though, since I'm not out to do any dating these days. Before I left the bar, I exchanged phone numbers with the barback, Glen. He's a nice guy and am looking forward to seeing what kind of friendship develops.

Friday night through mid-Sunday, I was down at the Cavaliers camp cooking away. The story from camp is that we all now know a guy who was arrested for child porn. (He convinced some 15 yo girl to take nude pics of herself and send to him.) He was from the Chicago area and had a brief time working for the Cavies cook crew. YIKES!

Sunday night, I went to an under-attended Oscar party at ETC. Aside from the ice cream drinks, the night was not all that fun. I had to deal with my ex/best friend and some guy he met Saturday night there. After the Oscars, I drove my friend Josh back to his place and watched part of Josh Groban's Live at the Greek DVD. I started crying as I always do these days with Josh's music. It always reminds me of Jordon. (Just some back-story on that... Our song was Come What May from Moulin Rouge [lyrics by Josh], my Christmas present to Jordon was 2 tickets to Josh in concert here in Milwaukee Feb 19th, which I went to with my best friend and cried through the whole thing.)

Monday and Tuesday have been fairly uneventful. Brad (my best friend) came over after work last night and we watched Cowboys & Angels, a cute gay movie we rented. He was exhausted and ended up staying the night.

Today, I emailed Jordon's mom and best friend letting them know I plan to move up to the Twin Cities. I haven't heard from them in a few weeks. I know they are dealing with a ton of stuff and just hope they don't forget about me. They are the only connection I still have with him aside from the memories. I also received a text message from Glen this morning. He apologized for not getting back to me sooner, but hopefully we can meet up in the next couple days for dinner or something. I'm not sure if I'll be hanging out with Jason tonight for our weekly dose of QAF. We may have to raincheck til later.