6 months later

Today is six months since Jordon died. I'm not sure how I made it through all this time without him. I still have yet to even go on a date with another guy. I'm feeling somewhat numb today, not sure if I'm going to break down crying at any moment. I had a little breakdown the other night while listening to Josh Groban. Brad still thinks it's weird when I start crying, but he just doesn't understand the whole situation.

Anyways, I've made the decision that today will be my last entry into this blog. Jordon will always be a part of my heart, he will never truly leave me. As for moving forward with the rest of my life, I should hear back on a job prospect in the next few days and dating will happen at some point. As long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I know I can make it through the rest of my life. My family will be here for me, as will my few but wonderful friends. I wouldn't be where I am today without them... hell, I'd probably be dead if not for them.

And to you, Jordon, I send my undying love. I will be with you again when the time comes, and then we can spend an eternity together. You are my angel, Jordon!

June 8, 2005

This has been too weird of a day. I know I haven't slept at home much the past few days, but I never thought that lying in bed with Cody would make me cry so much as it did last night. From then on, most everything today has reminded me of Jordon. I transferred over our phone texts to a word doc in case my phone should go on the fritz. While I was doing that, Josh Groban starts singing on my iTunes. After that, I tried calling his voicemail, just to see if his voice would be there to put my mind at ease, but now his message was gone. His voice will only be a memory now, at least until I meet him in Heaven. Then tonight after helping Brad at the store, I drove past a big accident with the Flight for Life helicopter there. I had tears in my eyes most of the day.

On another note, I met Dan online a couple weeks ago. From what he said, he has been through more Hell than me. He's been in two auto accidents. The first, he was driving and fell asleep behind the wheel. The crash killed his mom and two brothers. Then, the second accident was with his bf while he was giving roadhead. They got sideswiped by a semi and the accident broke his bf's neck. That was 4 years ago for him. He has yet to have a bf or to find love since, partly due to him using sex as his escape. I hope in my conversations with him he will open up more and allow himself to feel love when it's around him. We share a bond now because of our losses. I don't know if dating will ever happen, but I would like to meet him in person and spend some time together. I talk with him online almost daily now.

Last note for this week, this weekend is Pride here. It should be fun. I have a few friends who want to hang out there. And I also booked the hotel for Minneapolis Pride at the end of the month. I'm looking forward to and dreading it all at the same time. I've been talking with Trevor from River Falls and we might meet up there. Who knows if something else might happen from there. Anyways, that's all for tonight. I need some sleep.

May 18, 2005

I know it's been about a month since my last post. I've thought about writing, as there has been some interesting stuff happening lately, but Wednesdays have become a day with very little time to spend online. This will just be a brief overview of the past four weeks.

The first Tuesday in May I had to deal with another funeral. The sister of a friend of my family died a few days before and had been cremated. I barely knew the lady, having only met her once many years ago when she was at our house for Christmas. But being at the "visitation" brought up many memories of Jordon. Seeing the picture boards, thinking of how Jordon's best friend Lance told me my pictures were on Jordon's board at his ceremony. I cried several times while I was there, but not a tear was shed for her. It was all because of my memories of Jordon and how I had not been able to attend his visitation. I miss him, but slowly have been able to close more chapters in that story. I may not have been able to attend his funeral, but I've now been able to say goodbye to him.

Lately, I've had to focus more on finding a new job. I accepted a part time position as doorman at Three. I'm there every Sunday as it is, so I might as well make some money and get free drinks. The rest of the staff is excited to have me there. Now to just find a full time job. I've been applying all over the place and hope to have some interviews set up shortly.

This last Monday, I finally caught Matt (from Sydney, Australia) online again. He's adorable and a total sweetheart. I love talking with him and know we are creating a very good online friendship. I hope when I finally get to visit Australia that I will be able to meet him, but that big of a vacation is still a ways off. I also met another cool guy named Eric (from Cinci, OH). He visits relatives here in Wisconsin, so there is a good chance I'll meet him in person. He works as a paramedic and massage therapist. Unfortunately, he was in a recent accident where some 17 year old rear-ended him at a stop light doing 50 mph. Eric is now laid up with a broken arm and leg for the next 15 weeks. Hopefully this will give us some time online to really get to know each other.

As for guys here in town, I went out drinking on Cinco de Mayo with a cute guy I met the previous weekend. That night ended horribly as he used a twenty dollar bill of mine to buy a bag of coke. I was so pissed off. I demanded my money back, but he had no cash on him. The two girls we were out with ended up giving me the 11 bucks they had left and I walked out. I don't care what involvement a guy has with drugs, but any involvement is too much. I will not tolerate it.

I haven't hung out with anyone else new, but did talk to a guy named Luke out at Three this past Sunday. He's also recently out of a 5 year relationship. He's pretty cute and fun to talk with. I hope to see him out again. And speaking of Three this past Sunday, one of my ex's was there, Kevin from the UW marching band. He has only gotten cuter since he graduated. Apparently he's now a professional dancer for a company in Chicago. We still get along very well, but know nothing more physical will happen between us. I was really glad to see him and left him my contact info to have and share with another friend, Sarah. I haven't talked to her in a while, but hope to hear from both of them soon.

The weekend ahead is mostly going to be Star Wars Episode III. I don't think I'll be going out until Sunday. Hopefully, I'll be able to get back into writing on a weekly basis. Trying to catch up from a month away is kinda difficult. haha

April 20, 2005

Another two weeks later. The recent job interviews have all come back with no job offer. I know I am qualified for the positions, but the companies are deciding on other candidates. I have no choice but to keep looking. Since I've given up the idea of moving to the Twin Cities, I'm really only looking in the Milwaukee area. My friends are all happy about that. They never wanted me to move anyways. I just hope I can land a job soon before I run out of money.

As for the boys in my life, I haven't met too many new people lately. I hung out with a couple of Corey's friends, Jeremy and Jarod (sp?), two Sundays ago at Three. We all were in a silly dancing mood that night. It was a lot of fun and made the night go by pretty quickly. This last Sunday, I talked with Enrique and Jake, whom I met last Thursday at Switch. Jake is a server at the Olive Garden I go to, and he just started dating Enrique about a month ago. Enrique invited Brad and I to a party, and we exchanged numbers. They are both cute guys, and I even think Jake was flirting with me back a couple months ago when he was server at my table. I hope things go well with them as I think they are receptive to having fun friends. Bill from Chicago called me two weeks ago and I've been slow in calling him back. I don't know why I've waited so long. I think he's a really nice guy, and I know the fight he had with his roommate when I was visiting was really due to the roomie being an ass. I'm going to try to call him tonight. Hopefully things are better for him now, as he's had his own set of drama to work through.

This last weekend, I was in the Quad Cities. I even went out Saturday night in Davenport, IA to a club called Fusion. It was a nicely laid out bar, with some cute boys there too. I ended up not drinking, though, and didn't talk to anyone the first hour there. I finally started talking with one of the bartenders, Liz, a lesbian in a two year relationship. She was a lot of fun, and while at her bar, I got introduced to over a dozen guys. Most of them were older, but we had a fun time talking anyways. Two of the guys gave me their numbers, but since I rarely am in that area, they are really of no use to me. The other significant thing about that trip was that I didn't take Cody with me. I actually made the choice to leave him behind and to sleep alone Saturday night. There were two other nights I didn't sleep with him, both of those being when I stayed late at friends' houses watching movies and ended up sleeping on their sofas because I was too tired to drive home. I'm also finding that I'm not holding on to Cody through the whole night anymore. I find him in the mornings somewhere on the bed or floor, but not in my arms like it used to be. I still have him in my arms when I fall asleep, but between my moving around in bed and the fact that my thoughts aren't always on Jordon anymore, I can understand why I've started letting go. Cody will probably still be with me in bed until the point when I have a boy there to take his place. I don't know when that will be, but I'm taking all that in stride. That's all I can do.

April 6, 2005

Well, it's been two weeks since my last entry. I did end up buying the laptop. I love it and it really brightened up a pretty miserable day. I'll enjoy setting it up with just my stuff. For once I have my own computer!

As for my social life, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. I've been able to hang out with John from Three a couple times outside of the bar. He really is a nice guy and we get along quite well. I know he's working through some issues with his relationship so I am just pursuing a friendship. I have also hung out with some fun guys lately too. Brad and I spent last Thursday at Switch talking with two guys new to town, Blake who just moved from Minneapolis and Jay who is just visiting from Seattle. We had a fun time and ended up going out for breakfast after bartime. The Thursday before that, we talked with Corey (the cute guy I danced with at Cage a while back). I was chatting with him on Yahoo last night and found out he likes Brad, so I guess I am just going to be his friend. Speaking of chatting, I also talked with Derik from Burlington, someone Brad met online. He's adorable! But during that chat, I found out he's going after a guy he's had a crush on for 6 years. Looks like Brad and I will just be friends there too. I find it funny that guys are always surprised I'm single, but yet I haven't had a single person ask me out in months. Oh well...

Right now, I'm in Roseville, MN, just north of the Twin Cities. I originally came up here for a job interview with Wells Fargo Mortgage, but after I got here, I started thinking about why I am still wanting to move here. I really can't come up with any good reason to come here. I think it would be more of me trying to chase Jordon's ghost, and that's just not healthy. I came to the conclusion that I need to start closing the book on the Twin Cities. I called off the interview. I spent part of last night with CJ and his husband, Dave, who I was introduced to online by Jordon. They were nice guys and it helped start the closure process. I've now met someone who also knew Jordon. Today before I leave town, I'm going to take a quick drive up where Lance told me Jordon's house was. I don't know if the info is right or not. He and Jordon's mom haven't contacted me in a long time, so I think they have moved on without me. It's time for me to start doing the same. I need to get my feet back on the ground, focus in on getting a job and apartment back in Milwaukee. Once I get my feet set there, I'll feel more comfortable if I ever choose to relocate. Hopefully the job in Pewaukee will come through this week and I won't have to worry about job hunting for a while. I'll be leaving Minnesota shortly. The next time I come up, it needs to be with someone. The solo trips leave me too much time to think about Jordon. Maybe for Pride in June. I have some time to think about that. For now, I need my life back. Once I have that, I can worry about my gay life.

Two months ago...

Today is not a day I've been looking forward to. It's two months since he died and also the 24th birthday he never made it to. I watched the Josh Groban concert DVD before going to bed and ended up sobbing again. I haven't cried like that since I watched Latter Days the first time. I held Cody tighter than normal, wishing beyond anything that it could have been Jordon in my arms. I still miss him incredibly!

The last week isn't all that much to write about. Last Wednesday and Thursday nights for karaoke sucked. I shouldn't have even gone out for those. Saturday was better. I met Bill from Chicago for coffee before going out. He's a really nice guy and I'm glad we met. I then met up with Brad and Jason at The Room. We then went to Woody's to see Bill bartending. I got my drinks free (woohoo). Then we ended up at Cage dancing the rest of the night away. Sunday's regular trip to Three was great as always. I talked to John a lot and can definitely see a good friendship forming. He's a great guy! Monday was a shopping day with Brad. Yesterday i spent job hunting and actually got a call back from a company here for a job as relocation specialist. I think at this point any job that pays enough I need to accept, whether here or in the Twin Cities.

Which now brings me to today. I think I'm going to go buy a new laptop today. I found a Toshiba for a great price. I'll probably try to have lunch with Brad, and then I'll be having dinner with Jason while we watch the start of QAF season 2. I guess I'm still trying to keep myself busy to avoid wallowing in the misery of Jordon's death. I still have a lot of things that remind me of him that I deal with all the time. I know I have to work through it all, but I also don't want to forget him and the great times we had with each other. He still has my heart and will always have a part of it.

I love you Jordon and Happy Birthday!!

March 16, 2005

Why does each week have to be so crazy these days? I almost feel like I haven't had a chance to think at all. I can only hope that things begin to make some sense pretty soon.

Wednesday, I went to Steve's movie party. I got to his condo first and he gave me a little tour of the place. It was really cute and well decorated. Joseph (previously referred to as Joe) showed up a couple minutes later and then Anthony after that. We sat and talked over drinks and appetizers. It was nice to have a social situation not at a bar. Once we were ready to start the movie (Girls Will Be Girls), Steve put in a couple pizzas. They were a little overdone, but at least not burnt. The movie was hilarious, and it was fun seeing Joseph's and Anthony's reactions as they hadn't seen it before. Before the movie ended, Mike showed up. We stayed there talking some more after the movie. Steve tried to get more physical with me, but I quickly put him in his place. He's a nice guy, but I have no interest in dating or having sex with him. We ended up talking about showtunes and finally put in Chicago on DVD. When that movie ended, I called it a night, as it was already after 2 am.

Thursday, I went out to karaoke night with Brad. He's been interested in the bartender there at Switch. Things didn't go that great as far as he was concerned, but we ran into a fun guy named Randy who was up from Racine. We sat at the bar singing along with all the tunes and just had a fun night. Brad got a little drunk at Switch, so we went to Triangle for a little bit for him to sober up and for me to say hi to Glen.

Friday, I went with Steve and Anthony to a cabaret show called Lana Mae's Honky-Tonk Laundromat. It was a really funny show based on 2 ladies who've been done wrong by their men and they hold a show at the laundromat to get their revenge. It had a bunch of country songs in it and both of the ladies sang incredibly well. One had even been in several big shows on Broadway. I got to meet them after the show too. Once that was done, Anthony went with his friends to At Random for ice cream drinks and Steve and I went to The Room. I sat and sipped on some wine while we talked. Brad and Randy both happened to show up later at different points to join me. I talked to Randy a little about Jordon, and when I mentioned that he died from getting hit by a semi, he started crying. He told me his mother died from a semi accident. We both decided to move the conversation elsewhere for a while to keep our composure. Before the night ended, we headed over to Cage and got in a little dancing. We were all hungry by bar time, so we went to George Webb's for some food. While we were there, I found out Randy was 3 months older than me. That was a bit surprising, but he had a hat on and didn't look that old at all unless he took it off. We all swapped numbers before we went our separate ways. Brad came over to my house to crash the night as his mom kinda heard him getting some action with a boy earlier that night and he didn't want to deal with that drama.

Saturday, I went to Jason's in the afternoon to catch the last 3 episodes of QAF season 1. After watching those, we grabbed a quick bite and headed downtown to the symphony to see Bugs Bunny On Broadway. It was so fun, watching great cartoons and getting a live soundtrack played along with it. After the show, Jason and I went to ETC to wait for Matt to show up. Once he arrived, we all went upstairs to Cage to dance the night away. Jason and Matt did their own thing while I kinda noticed a really cute guy who danced really well. We ended up dancing for about 2 hours without saying a word to each other. He was a really great dancer and I was able to match up well with him. We ended up doing some dirty dancing and there were many eyes watching us. One cute blond guy came up and said it was really hot and he thought I'd be going home with the other dancer. I told him I wouldn't be because I'm not that type of guy. When the lights finally came up at the end of the night, we finally introduced ourselves. Corey (sp?) was the other dancer and he lives only a couple miles south of me. He works at a Starbucks, but I'm not sure which one. I was kinda dumb though, and didn't exchange phone numbers. He said he doesn't go out to bars much so I'm not sure if/when I'll see him again. Oh well. As I told the blond guy, I went home alone.

Sunday, I went out with some straight friends for lunch and to see the movie Robots. We all like computer animation a lot, so we all were looking forward to it. It was a fun time. I love hanging out with Geoff and Rachel. We get along so well. Brad came over to my house for dinner and after a quick stop at his place, we headed down to Three for our new Sunday night hangout. They had a guest DJ in for the night and while everyone got charged cover, the door guy let us in free. It was another great Sunday, full of conversation and meeting people. Brad found thes 4 straight people that happened to come in and started talking with them. One of the girls was so fascinated to be in a gay bar. Unfortunately the guy she came with, while very cute, was visibly uncomfortable being there. I got to talk with John, the host on Sunday nights, and we hit it off pretty well. I made it aware that I knew he had a bf and was only interested in friendship. I think that helped things out there. All in all, another successful Sunday at Three.

Monday, I had a phone interview with Wells Fargo Mortgage in Minneapolis. It seemed to go well and they will be forwarding my resume to the hiring managers now. Hopefully I will hear back from them soon for a face-to-face interview. I spent the rest of the day with Brad. We ended up having dinner downtown at a place called Sauce that neither of us had tried before. It was some of the most incredible food I've had in my life. There was so much flavor in those dishes. And because we had a little bit of a wait for our entrees (due to a large party already there), we got a free appetizer, which was normally 11 bucks! The restaurant's atmosphere was very chic yet laid back. It was a great dinner. We went out to a new coffee place downtown called Mocha to chat some more. After spending some time there, we rented a couple movies and went to my place to watch them. We got through A Touch Of Pink, an interesting movie about coming out in a traditional Middle Eastern family, where the main character talks with the spirit of Cary Grant. I have no clue where people come up with movie ideas like this. We didn't watch the other movie as we were too tired and Brad spent another night at my place.

Tuesday, we went to lunch at Cheesecake Factory because John (the host from Three) started working there as a server. We got seated in his section and ordered a nice lunch. We got to talk with him a few times during the meal which was really nice. Unfortunately, I had a reaction to something in my smoothie (mango, perhaps) and my skin got all red and itchy for about an hour. Luckily I didn't have to go to the hospital or anything. John ended up giving me his phone and email before we left, so hopefully I can get a chance to hang out with him outside of places he works. After lunch, Brad and I went looking at some computers to price out laptops. I hope to have one very soon. I think Brad is surprised I have the money for one. He has no idea I have a couple grand in the bank now. I bought the Incredibles DVD and the Troy soundtrack (which has the song Remember Me by Josh Groban... The lyrics sound like words directly from Jordon's mouth and I cry whenever I hear it). We ended up having dinner at his place and watching Fiddler On The Roof on TCM. He was online chatting through most of it and ended up talking with some guy from Delavan. I came home and chatted a bit myself, mostly because the guys I normally chat with at nights haven't seen me online in about 2 weeks. It was good to talk with them again. I talked some more with Bill, a guy in Chicago who used to live in Milwaukee and is a certified trainer/nutrionist. He's gonna help me figure out a workout plan for me. He's also coming up Milwaukee on Saturday and wants to hang out, so we swapped cell numbers. He seems like a cool guy, so we'll see how it ends up.

Today, I slept in quite late, getting out of bed after 11. I went to Target with mom and then ended up at Olive Garden with her and Brad for lunch. After a quick stop for a car wash and some groceries, I'm back home typing my life story here. I wonder how much this is actually helping me, but it's good to have a bit of history I can look back on. Some days I can't remember what I did the day before. Other days, I could care less. I know next week would have been Jordon's 24th birthday and the 2 month anniversary of his death. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. Only time will tell.

Bye for now!